After 18 days of strict Paleo and no Paleo treats (which is super hard for me), Jon and I found ourselves strolling through Fairhaven and tempted by our fun weekend treat with Kaylee, which is usually getting frozen yogurt or ice cream of some sort. We always keep it small, but it's something she only gets as a special treat and something we enjoy together. So we go into Colophon Cafe in Fairhaven and I resist the urge to eat a dessert, and I get iced tea instead. I felt like that was a huge success since there was an ice cream freezer and desserts staring me in the face within sniffing distance. The next day, however, would be my falling point. Kaylee's classmate had a birthday party (4 years old) at their house with a huge BBQ and fun for the kids. It's the first kid birthday party where I actually felt comfortable and was enjoying myself around new people. But when the food started to come out I suddenly felt like an outcast again. I was no longer surrounded by my supporting CrossFit friends who would gladly scrape the cheese off the hamburger, eat carrots and broccoli without ranch dressing, and forego the sweets. Suddenly I realized it had been several hours since I ate (my first mistake) and everyone wanted to be super helpful and offer me food. The first few times I tried to say "I'm not hungry" or "I ate earlier, no thanks" but it wasn't working. Instead of staying strong and just explaining my lifestyle of eating now, I caved. I didn't like the awkward feeling I was having and the anxiety it was causing. You see........food is not just food to me. Food is deeper, and as weird as it sounds it has meaning for me. In the South, we use food to celebrate good things, bad things, death, life, promotion, demotion, etc. I didn't know how to just walk away and still feel "included". I'm not sure there's any other way to explain it. So yeah, I had a cheeseburger and a couple small sides. I had this rush of anxiety that came over me and then it finally went away after I gave in. <------ this is how I know that I will probably forever have a problem with food. It shouldn't affect me like that, but it does.
It would be easy to not mention this, or to just ignore it, but I know I'm not alone in the struggle. For some of us it is much deeper than an Paleo Challenge, or trying a Whole 30 challenge. For some of us, our relationship with food is so deep that it causes us to have anxiety rushes until we eat that food we are craving, it's an addiction. That addiction cost me bad health, depression, panic attacks, gallstones, trouble with childbirth, knee surgeries, and the list goes on an on. The worst thing that addiction cost me was my self worth. I now know that this cycle has to break, but it's not something I will ever be able to say goodbye to. It's something I have to put to sleep every day after I wake up, and fight it every time it decides to show up again. I know that I can be accepted in groups of people if my eating habits are different - who cares how I eat? But this time I wasn't strong enough. I will be someday, but I felt like it was making other people uncomfortable if I was going to start explaining it, and I don't want people to treat me any different because I choose to eat a certain way now. Perhaps this is how vegans feel, or vegetarians?
So 19 days strong, and although the cheeseburger was extremely tasty, the sugar I ate made me feel awful for the next day. I picked myself back up and am not beating myself up over it because it was a conscious choice I made, and I could have done worse. Granted, I could have done better and resisted but I think I had a breaking point and it's ok to realize I'm human. We all have our demons, and mine is food. If you're struggling with something similar, or even vastly different, be honest with yourself and come to grips with it. Until you are willing to look the situation honestly in the face and understand it IS a problem you will never overcome it. I *WILL* beat this, I already have done over half of the work, and I have a lot to prove to myself and those who created black spots in my past. I can't wait for the day when I'm in the shape I need to be and the numbers on the scale no longer taunt me or make me think "you can't do this." To that, I say "WATCH ME".
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Whole30 Day 15
The last week has been pretty busy around the Hanson household, and although things have seemed quite hard at times, we are trying to maintain our trust that God has this whole mess of life figured out. Sometimes I wish He would at least give me a tiny hint of what He has in store because those who know me understand I am an obsessive planner and NEED to know what is happening next. We had to make some adjustments with Kaylee this week, so she is going back to daycare full time again. We know in our hearts that this is the right decision for everyone but it is still so very hard. I miss getting an extra hour and a half with her in the mornings to make sure she is comfortable before I leave for work. I miss getting pictures throughout the day that show me what she is doing. I miss spending time with my friend in the mornings at her house when I drop Kaylee off. There’s lots I miss, but I am trusting God has this figured out because mommy feels like she has no clue sometimes.
Health update: Many of you know that I have been struggling with chronic fatigue for months now. It’s intense, like fall asleep sitting up on the couch after 2 minutes intense, and it comes in really hard waves. After finding a new doctor that is willing to spend significant time looking through my file and comparing the lab results with my symptoms, we determined that my daily dose of T4 hormone was significantly lower than it needed to be. So, we have upped the medication and will re-test in 6 weeks. I’m not sure when I will begin to notice a difference but I am hoping soon. I am also wondering if it will help the weight loss continue. Right now things are stuck, to the point of bitter frustration, but because of the fatigue I have nothing left in me to give. I push myself as hard as I possibly can during our WODs because I know my energy for the day will only last me that 1 precious hour in the morning, so I give it all I have. I crash very quickly after I get home from CFX and just try to maintain throughout the day if I can. I have noticed that protein helps me, so I try to eat quite a bit of that throughout the day. I’m not taking any additional caffeine during the day, so the headaches from that have stopped finally. But sometimes I wish I could just go buy a huge coffee drink to wake me up.
Paleo challenge update: I’m now 15 days into my Whole30 and being strict STRICT Paleo. I’ve lost my cravings for junk food, but still really miss my Paleo treats. Some days are easier than others and the other day I was about to cave when Jon reminded me that I told everyone here that they shouldn’t give up. I’ve not listened to my own advice and have been weighing myself every few days (I suggest you do NOT do this but I am stubborn) and the results are discouraging because they are either staying exactly the same as 15 days ago or they are going up. UP??? This is why the other day I wanted to say screw it, I’m done, and I’m going to Subway (yes, that is a cheat for me and I LOVE it). But after talking to Jon I remembered why I am really doing this. Even if after the challenge the weight on the scale is the same or higher, I pray pray pray that the % of body fat has changed. It has to, right??? I am hoping that the reason the weight numbers are not changing is because it is turning into muscle. I have not cheated, not once, so there’s no reason for it to not be…..but as a woman it’s hard to see the scale numbers not change. I have noticed my strength numbers at CFX improving, so I know I am getting stronger. For example, today I was able to clean 105lbs [yay!!] and when we did Kettlebell floor presses the 35lbs were very easy, when they used to be very hard. Things are moving in the right direction, I just need to keep my head clear.
Sit-up challenge update: I’m so happy to say that I finished the 2,376 weighted situp challenge in 10 days!! The girls at CFX really dived in on this one and made it so much fun to do together, thank y’all so much for participating!! I’ve gained a whole sense of appreciation for the GHD because after the first 500 situps I learned the hard way that carpet situps were not going to work.
Other tidbits: Friday is our 5 year wedding anniversary and I am getting very excited about it! We chose some [unknowingly] hard paths throughout our 10+ year relationship but I am so thankful to have my best friend as my husband. He amazes me every day in how he has become such a wonderful father to Kaylee and I’m glad he is someone I can tell everything to. I have needed so much support from him since beginning this long journey and I can’t even express to him how much his support has meant. Even now, things get tough, but he is there for me to cry to and lean on when needed. I’m also so very proud of him for starting his own CrossFit journey to better health/fitness and he is looking GOOD if I do say so myself !
Your homework: There have been lots of days the past few weeks when I am reminded how hard it is to keep going when things get tough. Sometimes you have to give yourself tough love, and although it sucks, it’s necessary. I saw this picture below and it is exactly what I needed to hear. I know it might be harsh, and I don’t mean it to be (well, I kinda do but that is because I BELIEVE in you!) but take a minute to think about what this means for you. You will know when you’re ready to pursue that new journey whether it be related to weight loss/finances/marriage/relationships/kids/etc. But be real with yourself and don’t let anyone, ANYONE, make you change your mind about taking charge of your own life. Sometimes you feel alone and that is okay, because you are the only one who can do this.
Health update: Many of you know that I have been struggling with chronic fatigue for months now. It’s intense, like fall asleep sitting up on the couch after 2 minutes intense, and it comes in really hard waves. After finding a new doctor that is willing to spend significant time looking through my file and comparing the lab results with my symptoms, we determined that my daily dose of T4 hormone was significantly lower than it needed to be. So, we have upped the medication and will re-test in 6 weeks. I’m not sure when I will begin to notice a difference but I am hoping soon. I am also wondering if it will help the weight loss continue. Right now things are stuck, to the point of bitter frustration, but because of the fatigue I have nothing left in me to give. I push myself as hard as I possibly can during our WODs because I know my energy for the day will only last me that 1 precious hour in the morning, so I give it all I have. I crash very quickly after I get home from CFX and just try to maintain throughout the day if I can. I have noticed that protein helps me, so I try to eat quite a bit of that throughout the day. I’m not taking any additional caffeine during the day, so the headaches from that have stopped finally. But sometimes I wish I could just go buy a huge coffee drink to wake me up.
Paleo challenge update: I’m now 15 days into my Whole30 and being strict STRICT Paleo. I’ve lost my cravings for junk food, but still really miss my Paleo treats. Some days are easier than others and the other day I was about to cave when Jon reminded me that I told everyone here that they shouldn’t give up. I’ve not listened to my own advice and have been weighing myself every few days (I suggest you do NOT do this but I am stubborn) and the results are discouraging because they are either staying exactly the same as 15 days ago or they are going up. UP??? This is why the other day I wanted to say screw it, I’m done, and I’m going to Subway (yes, that is a cheat for me and I LOVE it). But after talking to Jon I remembered why I am really doing this. Even if after the challenge the weight on the scale is the same or higher, I pray pray pray that the % of body fat has changed. It has to, right??? I am hoping that the reason the weight numbers are not changing is because it is turning into muscle. I have not cheated, not once, so there’s no reason for it to not be…..but as a woman it’s hard to see the scale numbers not change. I have noticed my strength numbers at CFX improving, so I know I am getting stronger. For example, today I was able to clean 105lbs [yay!!] and when we did Kettlebell floor presses the 35lbs were very easy, when they used to be very hard. Things are moving in the right direction, I just need to keep my head clear.
Sit-up challenge update: I’m so happy to say that I finished the 2,376 weighted situp challenge in 10 days!! The girls at CFX really dived in on this one and made it so much fun to do together, thank y’all so much for participating!! I’ve gained a whole sense of appreciation for the GHD because after the first 500 situps I learned the hard way that carpet situps were not going to work.
Other tidbits: Friday is our 5 year wedding anniversary and I am getting very excited about it! We chose some [unknowingly] hard paths throughout our 10+ year relationship but I am so thankful to have my best friend as my husband. He amazes me every day in how he has become such a wonderful father to Kaylee and I’m glad he is someone I can tell everything to. I have needed so much support from him since beginning this long journey and I can’t even express to him how much his support has meant. Even now, things get tough, but he is there for me to cry to and lean on when needed. I’m also so very proud of him for starting his own CrossFit journey to better health/fitness and he is looking GOOD if I do say so myself !
Your homework: There have been lots of days the past few weeks when I am reminded how hard it is to keep going when things get tough. Sometimes you have to give yourself tough love, and although it sucks, it’s necessary. I saw this picture below and it is exactly what I needed to hear. I know it might be harsh, and I don’t mean it to be (well, I kinda do but that is because I BELIEVE in you!) but take a minute to think about what this means for you. You will know when you’re ready to pursue that new journey whether it be related to weight loss/finances/marriage/relationships/kids/etc. But be real with yourself and don’t let anyone, ANYONE, make you change your mind about taking charge of your own life. Sometimes you feel alone and that is okay, because you are the only one who can do this.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Paleo Challenge - Take 3!
Tomorrow is the kick-off of our newest Paleo Challenge at CFX. It will last 35 days and this time there's a twist - we're in teams! Totally awesome! We don't know our teams just yet but everyone had to be weighed and measured up at WWU with the "Bod Pod". Now this was neat because you were able to retrieve very accurate body fat percentage calculations, and we used to just use the hand-held caliber thing you squeeze for like 10 seconds. The body fat ratings for women were as follows:
>40% = Risky (high body fat)
31-40% = Excess fat
23-30% = Moderately lean
19-22% = Lean
15-18% = Ultra Lean
<15 body="body" fat="fat" low="low" p="p" risky="risky">
Let's start with the weight, because I'm a bit excited about what I saw on the scale. After 19 months of crossfitting, I'm down from 235 to 152.9. From my heaviest, I am down from 265...you do the math :). I actually started my Whole30 early so I have already lost 5lbs in 1 week with it. However, the weight numbers are not my biggest concern anymore (never thought I would say that!) it's more important to me that I clean my body out so it runs the way it is supposed to. If there is going to be another PAT test for the Bellingham Police Department soon then I am giving it EVERYTHING I have in the nutrition department this time. I tried to do good last time but Paleo treats are my weakness. There's none of those right now either.
The body fat percentage was a bit disappointing, because I would hope that after losing 83lbs with Crossfit that my body fat percentage would be lower since I'm getting stronger but the number was 31.7% which puts me at the lowest end of "excess fat".....ugh. BUT - I am choosing to look on the bright side and know that by the end of this challenge I plan on being in the "Moderately Lean" category and kiss the excess fat category behind! Now, can you imagine how much of my body mass must have been fat back when I started Crossfit? I can't even imagine, but I would bet you it was close to 50% considering I couldn't even do a modified push up. Crazy!
Progress that takes time is still progress! Remember that.
I was reminded this morning in church how much I have failed to give all this credit to God with all the changes that have happened. Sometimes the "me" gets in the way. Although it is me you are seeing, God has placed so many important people in my path that have helped me get to where I am - and who will help me continue on to get where I am going. CFX has been the biggest blessing since moving here, and God specifically placed me at a temp job 2 years ago so I could meet Kaylee from our gym who would introduce me to CFX. Other things that stood in our way have been fixed so that our family can enjoy CrossFit together. Things with Kaylee (now back to little Kaylee, our daughter) have been rough the last few months as she goes through the emotional stages every 3 year old endures, but lovely people have been put in our lives to love on her when mommy and daddy can't. She has a darling nanny now, Michaela, who I have grown to love as a friend and I trust her care with Kaylee. My coaches at CFX help me push through the mental walls I put up in front of my goals because I am too afraid to fail. I can't thank them enough, and they were also put in my life by God. None of this is possible with out recognizing how I am able to make this happen, and I'm sorry I fail to recognize that sometimes.
I'm excited about this challenge, and there's also a side challenge going on with the CFX ladies and one of my dear friends, Tricia. We're doing a weighted sit-up challenge that equates to about 200 weighted sit-ups a day. When I first asked if the girls wanted to join in I didn't expect such a response. However, they blew me away and are all taking part, which means now I have to step up! Thanks ladies for always pushing me to do better than yesterday.
>40% = Risky (high body fat)
31-40% = Excess fat
23-30% = Moderately lean
19-22% = Lean
15-18% = Ultra Lean
<15 body="body" fat="fat" low="low" p="p" risky="risky">
Let's start with the weight, because I'm a bit excited about what I saw on the scale. After 19 months of crossfitting, I'm down from 235 to 152.9. From my heaviest, I am down from 265...you do the math :). I actually started my Whole30 early so I have already lost 5lbs in 1 week with it. However, the weight numbers are not my biggest concern anymore (never thought I would say that!) it's more important to me that I clean my body out so it runs the way it is supposed to. If there is going to be another PAT test for the Bellingham Police Department soon then I am giving it EVERYTHING I have in the nutrition department this time. I tried to do good last time but Paleo treats are my weakness. There's none of those right now either.
The body fat percentage was a bit disappointing, because I would hope that after losing 83lbs with Crossfit that my body fat percentage would be lower since I'm getting stronger but the number was 31.7% which puts me at the lowest end of "excess fat".....ugh. BUT - I am choosing to look on the bright side and know that by the end of this challenge I plan on being in the "Moderately Lean" category and kiss the excess fat category behind! Now, can you imagine how much of my body mass must have been fat back when I started Crossfit? I can't even imagine, but I would bet you it was close to 50% considering I couldn't even do a modified push up. Crazy!
Progress that takes time is still progress! Remember that.
I was reminded this morning in church how much I have failed to give all this credit to God with all the changes that have happened. Sometimes the "me" gets in the way. Although it is me you are seeing, God has placed so many important people in my path that have helped me get to where I am - and who will help me continue on to get where I am going. CFX has been the biggest blessing since moving here, and God specifically placed me at a temp job 2 years ago so I could meet Kaylee from our gym who would introduce me to CFX. Other things that stood in our way have been fixed so that our family can enjoy CrossFit together. Things with Kaylee (now back to little Kaylee, our daughter) have been rough the last few months as she goes through the emotional stages every 3 year old endures, but lovely people have been put in our lives to love on her when mommy and daddy can't. She has a darling nanny now, Michaela, who I have grown to love as a friend and I trust her care with Kaylee. My coaches at CFX help me push through the mental walls I put up in front of my goals because I am too afraid to fail. I can't thank them enough, and they were also put in my life by God. None of this is possible with out recognizing how I am able to make this happen, and I'm sorry I fail to recognize that sometimes.
I'm excited about this challenge, and there's also a side challenge going on with the CFX ladies and one of my dear friends, Tricia. We're doing a weighted sit-up challenge that equates to about 200 weighted sit-ups a day. When I first asked if the girls wanted to join in I didn't expect such a response. However, they blew me away and are all taking part, which means now I have to step up! Thanks ladies for always pushing me to do better than yesterday.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Attempting to find the new "Normal"
As a CrossFitter, I am constantly bombarded by stories of people living a strict Paleo lifestyle. There's a wealth of information out there for us to learn from, and most of it is very well-intentioned. But am I all alone in the feeling that sometimes it feels like there is so much pressure out there to be 100% Paleo 100% of the time? Like if you cheat you've totally fallen off the wagon and it will take months to get back to normal. Heaven forbid you would out one night or have a piece of bread with your dinner, right? Yes, there are some websites out there that take it too far, as well as the very well-intentioned parenting blogs that lead me to have mommy guilt for my daughter not being Paleo as well. However, I try to keep it in perspective and remember that they mean well and I'm just entirely too sensitive to anything having to do with the kinds of food I put into my body. Which is now my new struggle that I'm trying to figure out.
It was not until after I joined CFX that I began to learn exactly why certain types of food are bad for you, and what effects it can have on your weight loss efforts. I've always known that nutrition and exercise go hand-in-hand but if you asked me how I know that or why I believe it I could not give you a straight answer. I yo-yo-dieted for my entire life until CrossFit. Once I began CrossFit I was forced to realize where my weaknesses are, and what my triggers are for my dieting issues. You can't run from things in CrossFit because they will always come back eventually (lovely how that works, huh?). Although it has taken me a while because I'm stubborn, I'm trying to learn more about how the Paleo lifestyle can actually help me find a way out of this perpetual cycle of fatigue I am experiencing. Why have I not been hard core Paleo this entire time? Because it's hard! It's not easy giving up things that i used to use for comfort. Food was my comfort when I was sad/happy/anxious/worried/stressed/etc. If you take that away then what is my coping mechanism now? Well - that's what I have been trying to figure out. I shouldn't have to turn to food for these things, and neither should you. We need to figure out why food is always our drug of choice and the first step for me has been reading the book "It Starts With Food" by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig. If you're at all involved in the Paleo-sphere of life then you have heard of this book. They go into all the sciency information and help you understand what foods in the Standard American Diet do to your body. You know that food pyramid you were told to follow as a kid? That thing is a joke. I'm now learning that the reason I felt so good on our first Paleo Challenge last year was because it really was cleaning out my system of the junk - it wasn't all in my head. There's things happening inside your body every time you put something into your mouth, and it will either have a good or bad consequence. I'm tired of the bad consequences, but I have to turn off my cravings for these things. That's not easy to do.
Our next Paleo Challenge begins next week, and I've decided to follow a stricter version which is the Whole 30 (www.whole9life.com). The reason for this is because I am tired of the ups and downs during my day and constantly relying on caffeine to stay sane. I am Paleo about 80% of the time, but that also includes Paleo "treats" because I miss my junk food sometimes. On Whole 30 I will not be allowed to have any added sugar, including Paleo-approved sweeteners such as raw honey or agave. I also must limit my caffeine intake which is the big kicker. I decided to start this Paleo Challenge early because I want to prove to myself that I can make it this long. So I am officially starting my Whole 30 tomorrow. Today was full of massive caffeine headaches, so I am not looking forward to that ( I decided to ditch the caffeine today). There's one part of the caffeine I am not ready to give up yet though, and that is my pre-workout supplement. Yes, I use a pre-workout supplement. I'm not really happy that I have to, but I can't make myself perform how I need to without it just yet - not at 5:30am on limited sleep.
I've kinda gone off on rabbit trails here, but what I really wanted to point out is that I should look at this with the vision I had about 3 years ago. I dealt with very severe PPD/PPA after my daughter was born because she was very sick her first year. I also dealt with depression for many years prior to her birth, but weaned myself off of my medication prior to try to become pregnant. Getting off of medication I was dependent on to feel normal was one of the hardest struggles I've gone through. But I took each day one at a time and each day I didn't have to take medication was a huge victory. Soon those victories were strung together into an entire week, 2 weeks, a month, and longer. My emotions were all over the place for a while during the withdrawlPaleo Challenge, and not taking no for an answer. I'll never get past it if I give up. I don't give up any more.
I know many of you reading this are part of our Paleo Challenge these next 35 days. I challenge you to give up something that is Paleo but comforting to you. Find something that will push you until the end so you can truly feel accomplished when it's over. AND - if you fall off the wagon during this challenge please do not beat yourself up....and I better not find you at a restaurant bingeing out because you "failed". There is no failing if you keep trying again, so never stop trying again! Got it? I am here for you, let us all help each other find a way to get through this and enjoy it. This should not be torture - if it is then you're not ready for it yet. It should be uncomfortable, but not torture.
I'm anxious and nervous about this, because I honestly feel like it will be a daily struggle to not give in when I'm tired but I also know if I don't go cold-turkey I can't get accurate lab readings either. I need to know if there is something outside of food that is wrong inside. the only way to find out for sure is to clean it out and get the tests run.
Hang in there, it's only 35 days!!
It was not until after I joined CFX that I began to learn exactly why certain types of food are bad for you, and what effects it can have on your weight loss efforts. I've always known that nutrition and exercise go hand-in-hand but if you asked me how I know that or why I believe it I could not give you a straight answer. I yo-yo-dieted for my entire life until CrossFit. Once I began CrossFit I was forced to realize where my weaknesses are, and what my triggers are for my dieting issues. You can't run from things in CrossFit because they will always come back eventually (lovely how that works, huh?). Although it has taken me a while because I'm stubborn, I'm trying to learn more about how the Paleo lifestyle can actually help me find a way out of this perpetual cycle of fatigue I am experiencing. Why have I not been hard core Paleo this entire time? Because it's hard! It's not easy giving up things that i used to use for comfort. Food was my comfort when I was sad/happy/anxious/worried/stressed/etc. If you take that away then what is my coping mechanism now? Well - that's what I have been trying to figure out. I shouldn't have to turn to food for these things, and neither should you. We need to figure out why food is always our drug of choice and the first step for me has been reading the book "It Starts With Food" by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig. If you're at all involved in the Paleo-sphere of life then you have heard of this book. They go into all the sciency information and help you understand what foods in the Standard American Diet do to your body. You know that food pyramid you were told to follow as a kid? That thing is a joke. I'm now learning that the reason I felt so good on our first Paleo Challenge last year was because it really was cleaning out my system of the junk - it wasn't all in my head. There's things happening inside your body every time you put something into your mouth, and it will either have a good or bad consequence. I'm tired of the bad consequences, but I have to turn off my cravings for these things. That's not easy to do.
Our next Paleo Challenge begins next week, and I've decided to follow a stricter version which is the Whole 30 (www.whole9life.com). The reason for this is because I am tired of the ups and downs during my day and constantly relying on caffeine to stay sane. I am Paleo about 80% of the time, but that also includes Paleo "treats" because I miss my junk food sometimes. On Whole 30 I will not be allowed to have any added sugar, including Paleo-approved sweeteners such as raw honey or agave. I also must limit my caffeine intake which is the big kicker. I decided to start this Paleo Challenge early because I want to prove to myself that I can make it this long. So I am officially starting my Whole 30 tomorrow. Today was full of massive caffeine headaches, so I am not looking forward to that ( I decided to ditch the caffeine today). There's one part of the caffeine I am not ready to give up yet though, and that is my pre-workout supplement. Yes, I use a pre-workout supplement. I'm not really happy that I have to, but I can't make myself perform how I need to without it just yet - not at 5:30am on limited sleep.
I've kinda gone off on rabbit trails here, but what I really wanted to point out is that I should look at this with the vision I had about 3 years ago. I dealt with very severe PPD/PPA after my daughter was born because she was very sick her first year. I also dealt with depression for many years prior to her birth, but weaned myself off of my medication prior to try to become pregnant. Getting off of medication I was dependent on to feel normal was one of the hardest struggles I've gone through. But I took each day one at a time and each day I didn't have to take medication was a huge victory. Soon those victories were strung together into an entire week, 2 weeks, a month, and longer. My emotions were all over the place for a while during the withdrawlPaleo Challenge, and not taking no for an answer. I'll never get past it if I give up. I don't give up any more.
I know many of you reading this are part of our Paleo Challenge these next 35 days. I challenge you to give up something that is Paleo but comforting to you. Find something that will push you until the end so you can truly feel accomplished when it's over. AND - if you fall off the wagon during this challenge please do not beat yourself up....and I better not find you at a restaurant bingeing out because you "failed". There is no failing if you keep trying again, so never stop trying again! Got it? I am here for you, let us all help each other find a way to get through this and enjoy it. This should not be torture - if it is then you're not ready for it yet. It should be uncomfortable, but not torture.
I'm anxious and nervous about this, because I honestly feel like it will be a daily struggle to not give in when I'm tired but I also know if I don't go cold-turkey I can't get accurate lab readings either. I need to know if there is something outside of food that is wrong inside. the only way to find out for sure is to clean it out and get the tests run.
Hang in there, it's only 35 days!!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Should we give it another go?
Hi there folks. You might remember me, but I wouldn't hold it against you if you don't...considering it has been almost 3 months since I last attempted to revive this blog. We have had a lot going on, and I've been involved in a few outside things that make time management a bit of an issue. However, what I have found is that I would be doing a disservice to people if I didn't find time to update this at least once a week. So, rather than try and post every few days I think I will start with once a week and see what happens. Fair enough? :)
Changes. The Hanson household has seen a few changes lately. My awesome and amazing husband has decided to join CrossfitX with me! I've wondered when the day would come that he would give it a try and I am so proud of him for taking the plunge. It's not easy walking through those doors when you know you will be surrounded by people who might lift heavy, run fast, pull harder, etc. As nice as people can be, and as welcoming as CFX is, it's only natural for fear and anxiety to set in. It has been 19 months since I started Crossfit, but I remember that moment of fear to this day. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere that athletes were present and I sure as heck didn't want to make eye contact with anyone for fear I would have to talk to them. What would I say? I have nothing in common with these people? Right? Oh how wrong I was, and how wrong that perception is sometimes. Although Crossfit members are some of the most fittest on Earth (have you SEEN the CrossFit Games?), they are still just people. People who come from all different walks of life with their own sets of challenges and hurdles. Everyone comes with a goal in mind, and although some goals may be vastly different than our own, they are still special goals with very deep meaning behind them.
Jon is doing an awesome job, and each day that he goes in it is progress towards his own personal goals. I can't even explain to you how proud of him I am. He does so much for our family, and as my husband, I just want the very best things in life for him. If Crossfit can give back just a smidge of what he has done for me then it is all worth it. I love you honey!
Where I am now. When you last read a post from me I had just failed to complete the PAT for the Bellingham Police Department. Although it is embarrassing to have everyone read about a failure, I would not take it back because people need to understand that journeys have struggles and you have to find a way to work past those, not hide them. I took some time to dial back the training for a month to give myself a mental break. I put way too much pressure on myself that time, and it mentally drained me. Rumor has it that the next entry-level recruitment will be in August and you better believe I will be there to try again. It didn't take long for me to get bored and back to 5-6 days a week at CFX though. Although I would like to say my nutrition is in high gear right now, I can't. My weight is now in between 157 and 160. That means I have lost 80lbs since joining CFX 19 months ago. I still feel that my body needs to loose at least another 40lbs though, so it's time to finish this weight loss ride so I can focus on building the healthy body I need to have.
My strength has improved at CFX but not as quickly as I would like. I know the reason behind this though, which makes me kick myself every time I think about it.....NUTRITION. People, I can not emphasize this enough, no matter how much work you put into working out you will never reach your goal unless your nutrition is completely dialed in. This does NOT mean drinking meal replacement shakes full of chemical additives. This means learning how to fuel your body using real food, the right kind of food. My saving grace has been Paleo. I would be lying through my teeth if I said it was easy, because it can become overwhelming while working full time and having a family, but it is do-able. So why don't I just do it then? I wish I could give you a simple answer for that but I can't. Perhaps I am just still struggling with emotional/stress eating, and perhaps I still don't fully believe I can finish this. The 2nd idea is probably more fitting. Yes, I've lost 80lbs. Yes, I can deadlift my body weight in workouts now. Yes, I can clean 102.5lbs and get 135lbs over my head. Yes, I used to wear a size 26 in clothes and just bought a pair of size 10 pants. BUT....I still see myself as the fat girl sometimes and still let the little nagging voice in my head tell me I can't finish this because it's too hard.
This week has been a good week at CFX, especially the last 2 days. I was on vacation last week and even though I tried to be "good" I was off the wagon quite a bit for what I consider my normal nutrition and workouts. Monday came and I was still stressed out that 2lbs had crept back on after a week, and I was wondering how hard it would be to get those 2lbs back off. I have worked so hard for those 80lbs to be gone that it makes me so angry when they come back, so I was stressed. Then I was checking the Women of Crossfit = Strong Facebook page ( https://www.facebook.com/CFStrongWomen ) and saw that the page host, Meg, and put up the picture I sent her of me doing a 1-handed handstand. The encouraging comments I received on that post were so uplifting and just what I needed to remind myself that this is not just about me. This is about me sharing my journey so that other people can be encouraged to finish theirs as well. To top it off, today's WOD helped put things into perspective:
Warmup: 2x400m runs...then,
1600m run
Rest 8 minutes
1200m run
Rest 6 minutes
800m run
Rest 4 minutes
400m run
Dude, that is 3 miles of running. That's ALL we did today. I told myself today that I was refusing to give in to any type of mental fatigue. I have trained hard enough and long enough that my body CAN do all of that without stopping, so it ws 100% a mental WOD and I am proud to say the WOD lost :). I did each of those intervals (400m = 1/4mile) without stopping and my time were pretty darn good! Everyone still lapped me, but that's a-ok...I accomplished my goad and impressed myself by doing faster than usual so I will take it! *then my crazy awesome husband decided he had to give it a go too, soooo proud! Ladies night was tonight and my legs were pretty dang tired but we had fun with that too and it was awesome to see our CFX ladies giving it their all.
Reality. I wish I could just surgar-coat if for you....but the fact of the matter is that hard work is the only way you will see lasting results so you better just start now. If you start now and it takes you 32 months, at least you didn't wait 32 months to start! I see so much potential in people who are struggling with their weight and/or fitness level because I am them. That will always be a part of who I am no matter how I look on the outside. For the rest of my life I will struggle with temptations, hypothyroidism, and very slow metabolism. But I want to reach my dreams so badly that I'm tired of letting that other part of my life win.
Never stop trying again. If you are sitting on the fence about something you need to do in order to accomplish your goals in life (no matter what they may be), just ask yourself this: What do I have to lose, and how will I feel in a few months if I had not given it a shot now? Failures will come, and setbacks will inevitably happen...but those who never give up are the ones who build character and help to changes the lives of others.
Let's give this another shot, be patient with me, and let me know how I can help you in your own journey. My life has been drastically changed by CFX, and I want everyone to know they are worth the effort.
Changes. The Hanson household has seen a few changes lately. My awesome and amazing husband has decided to join CrossfitX with me! I've wondered when the day would come that he would give it a try and I am so proud of him for taking the plunge. It's not easy walking through those doors when you know you will be surrounded by people who might lift heavy, run fast, pull harder, etc. As nice as people can be, and as welcoming as CFX is, it's only natural for fear and anxiety to set in. It has been 19 months since I started Crossfit, but I remember that moment of fear to this day. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere that athletes were present and I sure as heck didn't want to make eye contact with anyone for fear I would have to talk to them. What would I say? I have nothing in common with these people? Right? Oh how wrong I was, and how wrong that perception is sometimes. Although Crossfit members are some of the most fittest on Earth (have you SEEN the CrossFit Games?), they are still just people. People who come from all different walks of life with their own sets of challenges and hurdles. Everyone comes with a goal in mind, and although some goals may be vastly different than our own, they are still special goals with very deep meaning behind them.
Jon is doing an awesome job, and each day that he goes in it is progress towards his own personal goals. I can't even explain to you how proud of him I am. He does so much for our family, and as my husband, I just want the very best things in life for him. If Crossfit can give back just a smidge of what he has done for me then it is all worth it. I love you honey!
Where I am now. When you last read a post from me I had just failed to complete the PAT for the Bellingham Police Department. Although it is embarrassing to have everyone read about a failure, I would not take it back because people need to understand that journeys have struggles and you have to find a way to work past those, not hide them. I took some time to dial back the training for a month to give myself a mental break. I put way too much pressure on myself that time, and it mentally drained me. Rumor has it that the next entry-level recruitment will be in August and you better believe I will be there to try again. It didn't take long for me to get bored and back to 5-6 days a week at CFX though. Although I would like to say my nutrition is in high gear right now, I can't. My weight is now in between 157 and 160. That means I have lost 80lbs since joining CFX 19 months ago. I still feel that my body needs to loose at least another 40lbs though, so it's time to finish this weight loss ride so I can focus on building the healthy body I need to have.
My strength has improved at CFX but not as quickly as I would like. I know the reason behind this though, which makes me kick myself every time I think about it.....NUTRITION. People, I can not emphasize this enough, no matter how much work you put into working out you will never reach your goal unless your nutrition is completely dialed in. This does NOT mean drinking meal replacement shakes full of chemical additives. This means learning how to fuel your body using real food, the right kind of food. My saving grace has been Paleo. I would be lying through my teeth if I said it was easy, because it can become overwhelming while working full time and having a family, but it is do-able. So why don't I just do it then? I wish I could give you a simple answer for that but I can't. Perhaps I am just still struggling with emotional/stress eating, and perhaps I still don't fully believe I can finish this. The 2nd idea is probably more fitting. Yes, I've lost 80lbs. Yes, I can deadlift my body weight in workouts now. Yes, I can clean 102.5lbs and get 135lbs over my head. Yes, I used to wear a size 26 in clothes and just bought a pair of size 10 pants. BUT....I still see myself as the fat girl sometimes and still let the little nagging voice in my head tell me I can't finish this because it's too hard.
This week has been a good week at CFX, especially the last 2 days. I was on vacation last week and even though I tried to be "good" I was off the wagon quite a bit for what I consider my normal nutrition and workouts. Monday came and I was still stressed out that 2lbs had crept back on after a week, and I was wondering how hard it would be to get those 2lbs back off. I have worked so hard for those 80lbs to be gone that it makes me so angry when they come back, so I was stressed. Then I was checking the Women of Crossfit = Strong Facebook page ( https://www.facebook.com/CFStrongWomen ) and saw that the page host, Meg, and put up the picture I sent her of me doing a 1-handed handstand. The encouraging comments I received on that post were so uplifting and just what I needed to remind myself that this is not just about me. This is about me sharing my journey so that other people can be encouraged to finish theirs as well. To top it off, today's WOD helped put things into perspective:
Warmup: 2x400m runs...then,
1600m run
Rest 8 minutes
1200m run
Rest 6 minutes
800m run
Rest 4 minutes
400m run
Dude, that is 3 miles of running. That's ALL we did today. I told myself today that I was refusing to give in to any type of mental fatigue. I have trained hard enough and long enough that my body CAN do all of that without stopping, so it ws 100% a mental WOD and I am proud to say the WOD lost :). I did each of those intervals (400m = 1/4mile) without stopping and my time were pretty darn good! Everyone still lapped me, but that's a-ok...I accomplished my goad and impressed myself by doing faster than usual so I will take it! *then my crazy awesome husband decided he had to give it a go too, soooo proud! Ladies night was tonight and my legs were pretty dang tired but we had fun with that too and it was awesome to see our CFX ladies giving it their all.
Reality. I wish I could just surgar-coat if for you....but the fact of the matter is that hard work is the only way you will see lasting results so you better just start now. If you start now and it takes you 32 months, at least you didn't wait 32 months to start! I see so much potential in people who are struggling with their weight and/or fitness level because I am them. That will always be a part of who I am no matter how I look on the outside. For the rest of my life I will struggle with temptations, hypothyroidism, and very slow metabolism. But I want to reach my dreams so badly that I'm tired of letting that other part of my life win.
Never stop trying again. If you are sitting on the fence about something you need to do in order to accomplish your goals in life (no matter what they may be), just ask yourself this: What do I have to lose, and how will I feel in a few months if I had not given it a shot now? Failures will come, and setbacks will inevitably happen...but those who never give up are the ones who build character and help to changes the lives of others.
Let's give this another shot, be patient with me, and let me know how I can help you in your own journey. My life has been drastically changed by CFX, and I want everyone to know they are worth the effort.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
2 Seconds: Stop Underestimating Yourself
It's now been a couple of weeks since the City of Bellingham PAT, and we've been quite busy around the house because our daughter just had surgery to remove her adenoids and tonsils, and repair a hole in her eardrum. Thanks to those of you who prayed with us and checked in on little Kaylee. She has her spunk back, so she's really getting better. I've been wanting to get a chance to sit down and update everyone on the blog about the test, as well as give you all something to think about within your own lives.
So, our plan for test day (Friday, March 16th) was for Jon to take Kaylee in to daycare so that I could get extra sleep and take my time to mentally prepare before the test. Well, I woke up at 7:00am to the sound of a barking cough coming from down the hall. Kaylee had woken up with croup. Not only could she not go to daycare, but we only have 1 car, so I had to find a way to the test via bus because Jon had to take her to the doctor. Everything was thrown for a loop and I was pretty distracted all morning. We figured it all out and I found a bus route that got me to the area about an hour early. I sat in a Subway for about 35 minutes just gathering my thoughts and reading the TONS of encouraging messages many of my friends and family sent to me that morning. I felt as prepared as I could be, and finally it was time.
I walked to Civic Field and checked in. There were officers all over and they were very friendly to everyone. As soon as I checked in, I was introduced to the officer who was in charge of our group. He said that he knew of me because one of the officers mentioned my name, and she remembered me from the Citizen's Academy. This was very encouraging, but also made me nervous because they already knew who I was. It was cold, raining, and windy (lovely NorthWest combination...thanks mother nature). There were 4 people in my group, including myself. We walked down to the field to start the 300m sprint. This was the first round, and if you don't pass then you don't move on. The minimum time to complete the 300m sprint is 71 seconds. We were lined up on the track, and I was in the very back which meant that I could see everyone else lined up in front of me. There were several officers along the track, keeping track and watching everyone. Each runner was assigned an officer who kept score.
As soon as they counted us down, "3...2...1...GO" I sprinted off faster than I have ever ran before. I saw everyone sprinting in front of me and I was determined to stay with them, and I did stay with them for the first 200 meters. Once we rounded the last corner though, something happened and my body began to slow down. I saw the other 3 runners moving so quickly, making it look SO EASY. I felt myself fight against my fears and tried to not get discouraged, but I didn't have enough faith in myself. I was about 50 meters away from the finish line when I just slowed down. I didn't remember what really happened until the next day when I couldn't sleep without dreaming about the scenario over and over and over. What happened was that I saw everyone else cross the finish line and thought there was no way in the world that I was anywhere close to 71 seconds. I literally thought I had already crossed the 90 second mark and was already embarassed about something that had not even happened yet. As much as I kept thinking that there was nothing else I could do, I believe now that my self doubt sabotaged my efforts. While I do believe that I was pushing my body as hard as I thought I could, I think there was more fight in there that I was not giving myself credit for. I have replayed the finish line over, and over, and over in my sleep and I practically grazed over the finish line. I thought there was no way that I could be anywhere close to the 71 seconds. They had all finished at least 10 seconds ago and clearly passed the test.
When I crossed the finish line we all walked towards the next phase, but I could feel it in the air that I had not passed. When the officer assigned to me called my name, I knew what he was going to say...or so I thought. I looked at him and said "It's okay, I was too slow, wasn't I?" I never would have dreamed what he would say next though. He acted like he really didn't want to tell me the results for some reason. "Well, yeah....you had to make 71 seconds, you made 73." 73???????? 73, not 93, not 103. 73. I was only 2 seconds off. Although everyone else had finished so far ahead of me, I still could have been fast enough but I thought there was no way I was anywhere close. I let self doubt dictate this race that I had worked so hard to complete and pass. I still believe I pushed as hard as I could for 90% of the race, so hard that I actually may have pulled something (oops), but I actually was running fast enough. Little 'ol short me, I was running fast enough - I just didn't believe it was possible.
Since I did not pass the sprint, I was not able to take any further tests and was disqualified. The officers were so gracious and encouraging, and they told me to keep trying. As easy as it would be to feel sorry for myself and say "screw this, I've worked my tail off for 15 months only to fail?!?!", that is no longer who I choose to allow myself to be. I didn't pass the test, but I didn't fail. You fail when you give up on yourself and you stop trying again. You fail when you tell yourself that you're not worth the sacrifice. You fail when you decide that the pain of regret is softer than the pain of discipline. I refuse to give up, and I refuse to stop trying. Even though I could have ran fast enough, I had to push my body to its limit - which means I still have a ways to go. Yes, after 15 months there is still work to be done but I am ok with that.
Are you allowing self-doubt to creep in and sweep away your dreams? Are you on the verge of giving up because you don't believe you can get to the next level? What you don't realize is that you are much more capable of achieving your dreams than you let yourself believe. The problem is, you can't envision yourself achieving that goal just yet so you don't think it can be done. IT CAN BE DONE, and YOU CAN DO IT. Stop second guessing yourself, and stop selling yourself short. I refuse to stop trying, no matter how many time I have to try. One day I will become a police officer and finally be able to put my passions into play, but I will never get there if I give up. 2 seconds could cause a person to quit out of frustration, but I will choose to use it as fuel to remind myself that I really CAN do this. I was doing it, I just stopped myself.
So, our plan for test day (Friday, March 16th) was for Jon to take Kaylee in to daycare so that I could get extra sleep and take my time to mentally prepare before the test. Well, I woke up at 7:00am to the sound of a barking cough coming from down the hall. Kaylee had woken up with croup. Not only could she not go to daycare, but we only have 1 car, so I had to find a way to the test via bus because Jon had to take her to the doctor. Everything was thrown for a loop and I was pretty distracted all morning. We figured it all out and I found a bus route that got me to the area about an hour early. I sat in a Subway for about 35 minutes just gathering my thoughts and reading the TONS of encouraging messages many of my friends and family sent to me that morning. I felt as prepared as I could be, and finally it was time.
I walked to Civic Field and checked in. There were officers all over and they were very friendly to everyone. As soon as I checked in, I was introduced to the officer who was in charge of our group. He said that he knew of me because one of the officers mentioned my name, and she remembered me from the Citizen's Academy. This was very encouraging, but also made me nervous because they already knew who I was. It was cold, raining, and windy (lovely NorthWest combination...thanks mother nature). There were 4 people in my group, including myself. We walked down to the field to start the 300m sprint. This was the first round, and if you don't pass then you don't move on. The minimum time to complete the 300m sprint is 71 seconds. We were lined up on the track, and I was in the very back which meant that I could see everyone else lined up in front of me. There were several officers along the track, keeping track and watching everyone. Each runner was assigned an officer who kept score.
As soon as they counted us down, "3...2...1...GO" I sprinted off faster than I have ever ran before. I saw everyone sprinting in front of me and I was determined to stay with them, and I did stay with them for the first 200 meters. Once we rounded the last corner though, something happened and my body began to slow down. I saw the other 3 runners moving so quickly, making it look SO EASY. I felt myself fight against my fears and tried to not get discouraged, but I didn't have enough faith in myself. I was about 50 meters away from the finish line when I just slowed down. I didn't remember what really happened until the next day when I couldn't sleep without dreaming about the scenario over and over and over. What happened was that I saw everyone else cross the finish line and thought there was no way in the world that I was anywhere close to 71 seconds. I literally thought I had already crossed the 90 second mark and was already embarassed about something that had not even happened yet. As much as I kept thinking that there was nothing else I could do, I believe now that my self doubt sabotaged my efforts. While I do believe that I was pushing my body as hard as I thought I could, I think there was more fight in there that I was not giving myself credit for. I have replayed the finish line over, and over, and over in my sleep and I practically grazed over the finish line. I thought there was no way that I could be anywhere close to the 71 seconds. They had all finished at least 10 seconds ago and clearly passed the test.
When I crossed the finish line we all walked towards the next phase, but I could feel it in the air that I had not passed. When the officer assigned to me called my name, I knew what he was going to say...or so I thought. I looked at him and said "It's okay, I was too slow, wasn't I?" I never would have dreamed what he would say next though. He acted like he really didn't want to tell me the results for some reason. "Well, yeah....you had to make 71 seconds, you made 73." 73???????? 73, not 93, not 103. 73. I was only 2 seconds off. Although everyone else had finished so far ahead of me, I still could have been fast enough but I thought there was no way I was anywhere close. I let self doubt dictate this race that I had worked so hard to complete and pass. I still believe I pushed as hard as I could for 90% of the race, so hard that I actually may have pulled something (oops), but I actually was running fast enough. Little 'ol short me, I was running fast enough - I just didn't believe it was possible.
Since I did not pass the sprint, I was not able to take any further tests and was disqualified. The officers were so gracious and encouraging, and they told me to keep trying. As easy as it would be to feel sorry for myself and say "screw this, I've worked my tail off for 15 months only to fail?!?!", that is no longer who I choose to allow myself to be. I didn't pass the test, but I didn't fail. You fail when you give up on yourself and you stop trying again. You fail when you tell yourself that you're not worth the sacrifice. You fail when you decide that the pain of regret is softer than the pain of discipline. I refuse to give up, and I refuse to stop trying. Even though I could have ran fast enough, I had to push my body to its limit - which means I still have a ways to go. Yes, after 15 months there is still work to be done but I am ok with that.
Are you allowing self-doubt to creep in and sweep away your dreams? Are you on the verge of giving up because you don't believe you can get to the next level? What you don't realize is that you are much more capable of achieving your dreams than you let yourself believe. The problem is, you can't envision yourself achieving that goal just yet so you don't think it can be done. IT CAN BE DONE, and YOU CAN DO IT. Stop second guessing yourself, and stop selling yourself short. I refuse to stop trying, no matter how many time I have to try. One day I will become a police officer and finally be able to put my passions into play, but I will never get there if I give up. 2 seconds could cause a person to quit out of frustration, but I will choose to use it as fuel to remind myself that I really CAN do this. I was doing it, I just stopped myself.
Monday, March 12, 2012
The Test...it's finally here
I have hesitated to write again until this week is over. Part of me is afraid of "jinxing" it, and part of me is afraid of everyone seeing me fail if I don't meet the standards. Friday is a big day this week, a day that I have looked forward to for many months. At 12:00pm I will be taking the Physical Agility Test for the Bellingham Police Department. There will be 4 tests (1.5mi run, 300m sprint, sit-ups, push-ups) and I will be interviewed while I am tested. This day used to seem so far away, and part of me wishes time would stand still so I could wait a little longer. However, my heart tells me that I am ready to give this the best attempt at anything I ever have before. I've trained hard, and I am going into this with no regrets this time. If I am not ready, then I need to be okay with that. Not everyone can pass this test. In order to be able to get through the Academy, you've got to be up to the physical standards of their training.
I wish more than anything that my time has finally come and I pass with flying colors. As much as I have put it out there, sometimes I wonder if I should have just kept quiet. It's easier to not put yourself out there and fail, then no one knows about it and you can be the only one who is disappointed in yourself, right? I used to think so. Now I know better. Never sharing your dreams is a lonely way to live because you do not have anyone to celebrate it with when you finally see those dreams come true. You also lose the abilty to help others through their struggles if you fail to share your own. Coming to the realization that I was in the worst shape of my life when I graduated college was painful. I had just spent the last 4 years working full-time, going to school full-time, getting married, and having a baby with several complications. I got through it, but little did I know that I had yet to face the hardest part. It's been a long 13 months, but I wouldn't trade the lessons I have learned for anything. You have to want something bad enough in order to turn your life around. If it is worth having, it is worth giving up comfort for. I think that we should all embrace our biggest life dream and share it with those who are in our lives. You find out who your true friends are, and you find out who is dragging you down.
Friday will be a big day, and I'm trying to keep my nerves calm until then as much as possible. I have noticed that I tend to psyche myself out when I want to achieve something physically lately. It's been a weird cycle lately that I'm trying to break through. My hope and prayer for Friday is that I just let go and enjoy the process. It's clear that if I'm not ready by now then I won't be ready by Friday, so I need to just go in there and give it everything I've got. I hope they can at least learn how much I want to be a part of this amazing department and how much work has gone into getting this far.
As scary as it is to put it out there, I'm okay with what happens. I have to be, because there is nothing to be ashamed of. My CrossFit family has helped me realize that you should always be proud of yourself for trying something hard, even when it doesn't go as planned. No matter what happens, you are farther along than you were yesterday and the wall you are trying to break through is now one brick shorter.
I wish more than anything that my time has finally come and I pass with flying colors. As much as I have put it out there, sometimes I wonder if I should have just kept quiet. It's easier to not put yourself out there and fail, then no one knows about it and you can be the only one who is disappointed in yourself, right? I used to think so. Now I know better. Never sharing your dreams is a lonely way to live because you do not have anyone to celebrate it with when you finally see those dreams come true. You also lose the abilty to help others through their struggles if you fail to share your own. Coming to the realization that I was in the worst shape of my life when I graduated college was painful. I had just spent the last 4 years working full-time, going to school full-time, getting married, and having a baby with several complications. I got through it, but little did I know that I had yet to face the hardest part. It's been a long 13 months, but I wouldn't trade the lessons I have learned for anything. You have to want something bad enough in order to turn your life around. If it is worth having, it is worth giving up comfort for. I think that we should all embrace our biggest life dream and share it with those who are in our lives. You find out who your true friends are, and you find out who is dragging you down.
Friday will be a big day, and I'm trying to keep my nerves calm until then as much as possible. I have noticed that I tend to psyche myself out when I want to achieve something physically lately. It's been a weird cycle lately that I'm trying to break through. My hope and prayer for Friday is that I just let go and enjoy the process. It's clear that if I'm not ready by now then I won't be ready by Friday, so I need to just go in there and give it everything I've got. I hope they can at least learn how much I want to be a part of this amazing department and how much work has gone into getting this far.
As scary as it is to put it out there, I'm okay with what happens. I have to be, because there is nothing to be ashamed of. My CrossFit family has helped me realize that you should always be proud of yourself for trying something hard, even when it doesn't go as planned. No matter what happens, you are farther along than you were yesterday and the wall you are trying to break through is now one brick shorter.
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