The Test...it's finally here

I have hesitated to write again until this week is over. Part of me is afraid of "jinxing" it, and part of me is afraid of everyone seeing me fail if I don't meet the standards.  Friday is a big day this week, a day that I have looked forward to for many months.  At 12:00pm I will be taking the Physical Agility Test for the Bellingham Police Department.  There will be 4 tests (1.5mi run, 300m sprint, sit-ups, push-ups) and I will be interviewed while I am tested.  This day used to seem so far away, and part of me wishes time would stand still so I could wait a little longer.  However, my heart tells me that I am ready to give this the best attempt at anything I ever have before.  I've trained hard, and I am going into this with no regrets this time.  If I am not ready, then I need to be okay with that.  Not everyone can pass this test. In order to be able to get through the Academy, you've got to be up to the physical standards of their training. 

I wish more than anything that my time has finally come and I pass with flying colors.  As much as I have put it out there, sometimes I wonder if I should have just kept quiet.  It's easier to not put yourself out there and fail, then no one knows about it and you can be the only one who is disappointed in yourself, right?  I used to think so.  Now I know better.  Never sharing your dreams is a lonely way to live because you do not have anyone to celebrate it with when you finally see those dreams come true.  You also lose the abilty to help others through their struggles if you fail to share your own.  Coming to the realization that I was in the worst shape of my life when I graduated college was painful.  I had just spent the last 4 years working full-time, going to school full-time, getting married, and having a baby with several complications.  I got through it, but little did I know that I had yet to face the hardest part.  It's been a long 13 months, but I wouldn't trade the lessons I have learned for anything.  You have to want something bad enough in order to turn your life around.  If it is worth having, it is worth giving up comfort for.  I think that we should all embrace our biggest life dream and share it with those who are in our lives.  You find out who your true friends are, and you find out who is dragging you down. 

Friday will be a big day, and I'm trying to keep my nerves calm until then as much as possible.  I have noticed that I tend to psyche myself out when I want to achieve something physically lately.  It's been a weird cycle lately that I'm trying to break through.  My hope and prayer for Friday is that I just let go and enjoy the process.  It's clear that if I'm not ready by now then I won't be ready by Friday, so I need to just go in there and give it everything I've got.  I hope they can at least learn how much I want to be a part of this amazing department and how much work has gone into getting this far.

As scary as it is to put it out there, I'm okay with what happens.  I have to be, because there is nothing to be ashamed of.  My CrossFit family has helped me realize that you should always be proud of yourself for trying something hard, even when it doesn't go as planned.  No matter what happens, you are farther along than you were yesterday and the wall you are trying to break through is now one brick shorter.