So, our plan for test day (Friday, March 16th) was for Jon to take Kaylee in to daycare so that I could get extra sleep and take my time to mentally prepare before the test. Well, I woke up at 7:00am to the sound of a barking cough coming from down the hall. Kaylee had woken up with croup. Not only could she not go to daycare, but we only have 1 car, so I had to find a way to the test via bus because Jon had to take her to the doctor. Everything was thrown for a loop and I was pretty distracted all morning. We figured it all out and I found a bus route that got me to the area about an hour early. I sat in a Subway for about 35 minutes just gathering my thoughts and reading the TONS of encouraging messages many of my friends and family sent to me that morning. I felt as prepared as I could be, and finally it was time.
I walked to Civic Field and checked in. There were officers all over and they were very friendly to everyone. As soon as I checked in, I was introduced to the officer who was in charge of our group. He said that he knew of me because one of the officers mentioned my name, and she remembered me from the Citizen's Academy. This was very encouraging, but also made me nervous because they already knew who I was. It was cold, raining, and windy (lovely NorthWest combination...thanks mother nature). There were 4 people in my group, including myself. We walked down to the field to start the 300m sprint. This was the first round, and if you don't pass then you don't move on. The minimum time to complete the 300m sprint is 71 seconds. We were lined up on the track, and I was in the very back which meant that I could see everyone else lined up in front of me. There were several officers along the track, keeping track and watching everyone. Each runner was assigned an officer who kept score.
As soon as they counted us down, "3...2...1...GO" I sprinted off faster than I have ever ran before. I saw everyone sprinting in front of me and I was determined to stay with them, and I did stay with them for the first 200 meters. Once we rounded the last corner though, something happened and my body began to slow down. I saw the other 3 runners moving so quickly, making it look SO EASY. I felt myself fight against my fears and tried to not get discouraged, but I didn't have enough faith in myself. I was about 50 meters away from the finish line when I just slowed down. I didn't remember what really happened until the next day when I couldn't sleep without dreaming about the scenario over and over and over. What happened was that I saw everyone else cross the finish line and thought there was no way in the world that I was anywhere close to 71 seconds. I literally thought I had already crossed the 90 second mark and was already embarassed about something that had not even happened yet. As much as I kept thinking that there was nothing else I could do, I believe now that my self doubt sabotaged my efforts. While I do believe that I was pushing my body as hard as I thought I could, I think there was more fight in there that I was not giving myself credit for. I have replayed the finish line over, and over, and over in my sleep and I practically grazed over the finish line. I thought there was no way that I could be anywhere close to the 71 seconds. They had all finished at least 10 seconds ago and clearly passed the test.
When I crossed the finish line we all walked towards the next phase, but I could feel it in the air that I had not passed. When the officer assigned to me called my name, I knew what he was going to say...or so I thought. I looked at him and said "It's okay, I was too slow, wasn't I?" I never would have dreamed what he would say next though. He acted like he really didn't want to tell me the results for some reason. "Well, yeah....you had to make 71 seconds, you made 73." 73???????? 73, not 93, not 103. 73. I was only 2 seconds off. Although everyone else had finished so far ahead of me, I still could have been fast enough but I thought there was no way I was anywhere close. I let self doubt dictate this race that I had worked so hard to complete and pass. I still believe I pushed as hard as I could for 90% of the race, so hard that I actually may have pulled something (oops), but I actually was running fast enough. Little 'ol short me, I was running fast enough - I just didn't believe it was possible.
Since I did not pass the sprint, I was not able to take any further tests and was disqualified. The officers were so gracious and encouraging, and they told me to keep trying. As easy as it would be to feel sorry for myself and say "screw this, I've worked my tail off for 15 months only to fail?!?!", that is no longer who I choose to allow myself to be. I didn't pass the test, but I didn't fail. You fail when you give up on yourself and you stop trying again. You fail when you tell yourself that you're not worth the sacrifice. You fail when you decide that the pain of regret is softer than the pain of discipline. I refuse to give up, and I refuse to stop trying. Even though I could have ran fast enough, I had to push my body to its limit - which means I still have a ways to go. Yes, after 15 months there is still work to be done but I am ok with that.
Are you allowing self-doubt to creep in and sweep away your dreams? Are you on the verge of giving up because you don't believe you can get to the next level? What you don't realize is that you are much more capable of achieving your dreams than you let yourself believe. The problem is, you can't envision yourself achieving that goal just yet so you don't think it can be done. IT CAN BE DONE, and YOU CAN DO IT. Stop second guessing yourself, and stop selling yourself short. I refuse to stop trying, no matter how many time I have to try. One day I will become a police officer and finally be able to put my passions into play, but I will never get there if I give up. 2 seconds could cause a person to quit out of frustration, but I will choose to use it as fuel to remind myself that I really CAN do this. I was doing it, I just stopped myself.
