After 18 days of strict Paleo and no Paleo treats (which is super hard for me), Jon and I found ourselves strolling through Fairhaven and tempted by our fun weekend treat with Kaylee, which is usually getting frozen yogurt or ice cream of some sort. We always keep it small, but it's something she only gets as a special treat and something we enjoy together. So we go into Colophon Cafe in Fairhaven and I resist the urge to eat a dessert, and I get iced tea instead. I felt like that was a huge success since there was an ice cream freezer and desserts staring me in the face within sniffing distance. The next day, however, would be my falling point. Kaylee's classmate had a birthday party (4 years old) at their house with a huge BBQ and fun for the kids. It's the first kid birthday party where I actually felt comfortable and was enjoying myself around new people. But when the food started to come out I suddenly felt like an outcast again. I was no longer surrounded by my supporting CrossFit friends who would gladly scrape the cheese off the hamburger, eat carrots and broccoli without ranch dressing, and forego the sweets. Suddenly I realized it had been several hours since I ate (my first mistake) and everyone wanted to be super helpful and offer me food. The first few times I tried to say "I'm not hungry" or "I ate earlier, no thanks" but it wasn't working. Instead of staying strong and just explaining my lifestyle of eating now, I caved. I didn't like the awkward feeling I was having and the anxiety it was causing. You see........food is not just food to me. Food is deeper, and as weird as it sounds it has meaning for me. In the South, we use food to celebrate good things, bad things, death, life, promotion, demotion, etc. I didn't know how to just walk away and still feel "included". I'm not sure there's any other way to explain it. So yeah, I had a cheeseburger and a couple small sides. I had this rush of anxiety that came over me and then it finally went away after I gave in. <------ this is how I know that I will probably forever have a problem with food. It shouldn't affect me like that, but it does.
It would be easy to not mention this, or to just ignore it, but I know I'm not alone in the struggle. For some of us it is much deeper than an Paleo Challenge, or trying a Whole 30 challenge. For some of us, our relationship with food is so deep that it causes us to have anxiety rushes until we eat that food we are craving, it's an addiction. That addiction cost me bad health, depression, panic attacks, gallstones, trouble with childbirth, knee surgeries, and the list goes on an on. The worst thing that addiction cost me was my self worth. I now know that this cycle has to break, but it's not something I will ever be able to say goodbye to. It's something I have to put to sleep every day after I wake up, and fight it every time it decides to show up again. I know that I can be accepted in groups of people if my eating habits are different - who cares how I eat? But this time I wasn't strong enough. I will be someday, but I felt like it was making other people uncomfortable if I was going to start explaining it, and I don't want people to treat me any different because I choose to eat a certain way now. Perhaps this is how vegans feel, or vegetarians?
So 19 days strong, and although the cheeseburger was extremely tasty, the sugar I ate made me feel awful for the next day. I picked myself back up and am not beating myself up over it because it was a conscious choice I made, and I could have done worse. Granted, I could have done better and resisted but I think I had a breaking point and it's ok to realize I'm human. We all have our demons, and mine is food. If you're struggling with something similar, or even vastly different, be honest with yourself and come to grips with it. Until you are willing to look the situation honestly in the face and understand it IS a problem you will never overcome it. I *WILL* beat this, I already have done over half of the work, and I have a lot to prove to myself and those who created black spots in my past. I can't wait for the day when I'm in the shape I need to be and the numbers on the scale no longer taunt me or make me think "you can't do this." To that, I say "WATCH ME".
